November 2020                                         

Corey Parenton                       

36 years old
Husband, Dad, Attorney

          I am never out of the fight.
                             --    Excerpt of the Navy SEAL Ethos

          Suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.     
                             -- Romans, 5:3-5.   

      I’m generally a happy guy. If you’ve met me, you’ve seen a smile on my face. But I also struggle. Sometimes a lot, but always hidden with a smile. I have to. Too many people depend on me to let the hurt take over. Therein lies the problem.     

     I’m what some describe as an “unhappy achiever.” On paper, my life is wonderful. I have beautiful wife who loves me more than I can fathom, a son who’s my best buddy in the world, a great job, a good home, and a fat puppy that acts like my coming home is the biggest event of his day. In my mind, I have an unending obligation to all of them to make life, or my work, perfect. I’m a perfectionist by no means, but someone who sets the bar higher for me than anyone else will. It’s the idea that others – family, work, the community, and even my SCS family – need something of me, the best of me, and I have to make sure that I come through for them. Letting them down is out of the question     

     That no accomplishment is ever enough (in my eyes) and I can’t fix everything that affects those around me are tremendous sources of anxiety. I have had attacks in my house, in my office, in my car, at restaurants. The more noise, or the more pull in different directions, the worse it became. I felt my heart start to race, my focus fade, and an ultimate loss of control. The loss of control builds until it is replaced by an overwhelming sense of defeat. If I’ve lost control, I can’t fix the issue, and I can no longer achieve a given goal.     

     If the goal is turning off the engine for a little while, but I’m surrounded by noise and distraction, I’ve lost. I can’t fix the problem. If the goal is cutting down the mountain of paper on my desk, but clients keep calling with question after question, I’ve lost and I can’t fix the problem. If it means giving my wife another baby and my son the sibling he prays so hard for every day, I’ve lost. That’s the big one. That’s the one that knocks me down on almost a weekly basis. And I can’t control that. I may not be able to fix that.     

     We struggle with fertility, but in my eyes, as an “unhappy achiever,” I struggle with fertility. Before we conceived my son, the years of “trying” were soul crushing. There was no joy. We alienated ourselves from friends, especially those who conceived so easily. We were very lonely even though we were fighting the same battle together. Many nights, I considered walking away from marriage, not sure if we could ever be happy without a child. But for some unknown reason, I came across Romans 5:3-5. It was as if St. Paul was speaking directly to me, saying that God will allow me to struggle. He will allow me to face struggles because it is through the struggles that I will become stronger. I will endure because I have hope. In other words, never lose hope and you are never out of the fight. Keep going!     

      We tried a few things, and by the grace of God, we had my son. It was the most amazing experience of my life. Goal attained, and hope renewed for the future. St. Paul was right.     

     After Jackson, we hoped things would continue to get better. Two years passed with no success. We returned to our doctor to try again. Several attempts later, we continued without luck. I underwent test, after test, after very invasive test, finally learning that I developed a stone in the prostate gland that catches and holds bacteria, leading to a somewhat permanent infection. Conception would be hard, though not impossible. I lost faith in both God and the process. I lost hope. The suffering of the first struggle paled in comparison to this struggle. Jackson wanted a sibling, my wife wanted another baby, and I couldn’t make it happen. I failed. I was on the doorstep of atheism because I was so beat up emotionally and spiritually. I could shout my prayers and only hear my echo. Never a response. No loving God, if he exists, could leave me in such heartache over such a pure and wonderful intention. I even told my wife that I don’t believe in God anymore. She was rattled, and I was empty. Coupled with the stresses of life, finances, family, my job, and even Covid, the noise was too much. I was exhausted.     

     I stumbled across the movie Lone Survivor one day, and its central theme resonated with me. “I am never out of the fight.” No matter how dark it gets, no matter how alone I feel, I am never out of the fight. I can make it through any struggle if just I keep going. This was exactly what Romans 5:3-5 told me. I will face challenges, I will suffer, but I will come out on the other side. Hard as it may seem, this is God’s plan for me.     

     I know now that I will continue to battle with anxiety and depression. My sense of failure will come and go. But I will hope, and I will endure. I am never out of the fight.  For her, and for him, I will keep going. And I will get through it. That’s God’s promise.

If you or someone you know is experiencing a crisis, please seek professional resources. To speak with someone immediately, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, 1-800-273-8255 (1-800-273-TALK). If you’re ever worried that someone’s life is in immediate danger, call 911.