September 2018

       My walk with the Lord began with a rather grim and somewhat discouraging thought: hell is real. That’s right, what jolted my pursuit of faith was the realization that hell is real, and at the age of 13, I was convinced that it was a real possibility I might be heading there. So what did I do? I ran to the confessional, ready to get rid of the sins that were sending me somewhere I would rather not go. One problem: I was scared of confession. I was worried what this priest might think of me or what he would say to me. It was a priest who had known me for multiple years. Someone I had a relationship with. So, when I went to confession I did what we all have been tempted to do: I said the sins that “aren’t so bad” and pushed the sins filled with shame and guilt under the rug hoping I could get by without mentioning them.
 
       I found out later that week at school that we can’t hide sins from the Lord in the confessional. This would be the same as going to the doctor and only showing him part of the wound that we have. The Lord – our Divine and Spiritual Physician – will not force himself upon us to heal our wounds of sin. Therefore, I went back to confession the next weekend. Filled with even more fear and shame knowing that I would have to reveal the sins I wanted to keep in the dark, I entered the confessional. I laid my sins before the Lord, and the priest said nothing. He simply and gently gave me absolution (fancy word which means he forgave my sins) and allowed me to walk out. As I went through the door, I literally felt the weight of sin leave my shoulders. This was the first moment in my life where I knew that God is real.
 
       Convinced now that God was active in my life and wanted a relationship with me, I began pursuing my faith not out of fear of going to hell but out of a desire to know this God who loves me and gives his mercy so easily and freely. Soon after, I began thinking about the priesthood…
 
       I remember kneeling before the altar, amidst the Eucharistic Prayer, realizing a flood of desire entering my heart for the miracle happening before me, drawing my heart closer. It captivated me, summoning a deep curiosity within me, but for years, I pursued it only half-heartedly.
 
       Beginning my sophomore year of high school, I began dating this girl whom I would continue to date for the next three and a half years into college. Towards the end of my years at Archbishop Rummel High School, I found myself not hearing the call to priesthood. The reality was that the Lord never stopped calling me. I just stopped listening. Because of habitual sin in my life, I was basically placing a wall between myself and the Lord. This was preventing me from noticing the Lord being active in my life and calling me to a more fulfilling relationship with Him. By the time I graduated high school, I was confident the Lord was not calling me to be his priest.
 
       Through the guidance of my spiritual director, the Lord broke through. He suggested I continue reading “Priests for the Third Millennium” (by Cardinal Timothy Dolan). As I read the last page and closed the book, Christ jolted my heart, and I noticed desires within me rekindle towards the priesthood.
 
       I entered my freshman year at LSU determined to see if the Lord was in fact calling me to the priesthood. I began praying and going to Mass daily and making confession a frequent practice. Obsessed with finding an answer, I approached the Lord, asking only, “Do you want me to be a priest?” With seemingly little response, the pressure and burden of discernment built tremendously. I longed for freedom within discernment, so I stopped asking the question that had plagued my spiritual life. My desire changed from seeking an answer to seeking an encounter with Christ. This seemingly slight (yet major) shift reduced the anxiety and swiftly placed me on the path where the Lord desired me to be.
 
       Within prayer, the Lord presented me with an invitation to end the relationship with my girlfriend and discern priesthood more seriously. Initially angry and distraught, I resisted. Torn within myself, I pleaded the Lord for greater trust in Him. Relying on the grace of God, I finally brought myself to end the relationship.
 
       After months of struggling with loneliness and doubts, I committed myself with greater intensity to prayer and discovering my deepest desires. One day, I was praying with the words of Christ directed to Peter, “Get behind me, Satan.” I felt myself in Peter’s position as the Lord was pleading to me, “Andrew, stop getting in the way! Stop getting in the way of my unfailing, infinite, pure love for you!” I finally realized my deepest desires would only be fulfilled by conforming my life to God’s will. Soon, I could not resist the desire to enter seminary and continue the path to priesthood. The surrender brought freedom – true, authentic, fulfilling freedom.
 
       I have to take a quick pause to mention that my mom was not every supportive regarding my decision to enter seminary. She could not see how an outgoing and fun young man would be happy as a priest. She saw the priesthood as a lonely life. This made it difficult for me, but I eventually just told my parents that I needed to do this. They were supportive because of their love for me although they were skeptical. During my first year of seminary, my mom had a change of heart. This came from her own growing closer to the Lord where she had a profound encounter with Jesus realizing that she needed to allow God to take care of me. She realized that I was actually happy following the Lord in this way. Now, she’s my biggest and most important supporter.
 
       Five years later, I’m a deacon and less than nine months away from priestly ordination. Following our Lord throughout the past 12 years of my life has been a incredible experience. I am convinced that there is no greater adventure than following Jesus. There is no greater thrill with so much uncertainty, abandonment of control, and real happiness. It’s both terrifying and exciting. It’s not easy. The cross Christ carried and died on was not easy. But it is fulfilling because through the cross we experience a taste of the resurrection. At 25 years old, to be able to say, “I’m happy” and that “I love my life” is an amazing gift the Lord has given me. All I had to do was let him have control over my life. There are challenges and difficulties, but the constant throughout the years is God’s faithfulness to me. That is the gospel summed up in three words: God is faithful. He has been faithful to me, and he is faithful to you. Just let go!