February 2020

     I had an abortion and it nearly wrecked me. In the days and weeks that followed, I had never felt more alone or hopeless. I did something I could never take back, and I could not stop thinking about who my child could have become. How could I have made this decision? How could I have marched for life in DC at 18, and in my 30s, chosen to terminate my pregnancy for fear of my family’s abandonment and fear of the father leaving me to raise our child alone? I had never felt so broken. Some days, I could barely get out of bed. I didn’t think I would ever be okay. I felt like I was shattered into a million pieces.

     I did everything I could to stay away from the church and abandon my faith. I stopped going to mass, and I could barely even pray.  Since I did something so awful, surely God didn’t want me around, I thought. Quite opposite though, God was begging me to come back to Him, but I resisted because I absolutely didn’t feel like I belonged.

     After a few months of living in self pity and dwelling on my choices, I went to confession. The priest provided me forgiveness for my sin and encouraged me to come back to the church. Though it felt uneasy, I slowly started attending mass, but I was never fully present because I still felt so unworthy. I was missing something. Then I started to think: What is it that you’re missing? What can you do to get yourself out of this rut? If you feel so alone and like you don’t belong maybe you need to get involved in the St. Catherine is Siena community and actually belong to a group. Everyone here seems so happy and nice, surely you can find your place here,  I thought. But what am I going to do? 
     
     One day at mass, Fr. Tim mentioned Alpha. That sparked my interest, so I went online to look into it. The line that most caught my attention was, “Alpha is designed to meet everyone where they are and invite them to grow even closer to Jesus.” So I thought to myself, wow, they have no idea where I am in my journey, but if they’re willing to meet me that low, I am in!  And if I can grow closer to Jesus, I really need this in my life. I felt so far away from Jesus. I couldn’t imagine being able to grow close to Him again. 

     But goodness am I glad that I signed up! It was a life changing experience. I met some amazing people, and I finally accepted that Jesus loves me no matter what, and nothing I can do will ever cause Him to push me away. He only pulls me into His embrace with love, grace, and mercy. God’s grace and mercy for me? Someone who did something so against His will? YES! How cool is that? He was at my door knocking, even in my darkest days, to let Him in, but I wasn’t answering. When I finally  chose to answer the door and let Him in, my life changed. I am so thankful that I opened up and took that leap of faith.

     My relationship with God and Jesus have never been so strong, and I encourage anyone looking for more, to consider Alpha!! Everyone’s journey is different, but Alpha absolutely meets you where you are. Alpha has helped me realize that while my abortion is a part of my story, it doesn’t define me. I am forgiven.

     My experience does allow me to share with other women the effects and pain that no one tells you about. They just tell you that you’re solving a problem and you’ll be happy when it’s over. No one told me it was going to be dark, lonely, or scary. The only person I had through it all was God. So while my abortion almost broke me, God wrapped me so tight and never let me go. He led me to get involved in the St. Catherine community, and most importantly, He encouraged me to join Alpha.

     Anyone who is struggling with their faith, please know that God is there knocking. He is patiently waiting for you to open up and let Him in. He wants to change your life in ways you cannot even imagine. While the abortion will always be a part of my journey, God has shown me his mercy by forgiving me and forgetting what I have done. There is no greater love than the love God has for His children. Answer His knock, you won’t regret it!