May 2022

     We all forge our own unique journey with God, and like a lot of people’s, mine has not always been a consistent one. Sometimes our life experiences can create wounds that need to be healed before we can jump into the deep end and invite the Holy Spirit into our hearts. The journey that God led me on has been a lesson in patience, surrender and ultimately, joy.

     I did not grow up in a particularly religious household, but I was always a spiritual kid who looked for God in every nook and cranny. When I was 8, I asked my parents to be baptized, and they obliged. I spent the next decade in the Episcopal church, although I always kept God at an arm’s length. After high school, I ended up at a Catholic university studying fine art. While there, I distinctly remember passing their chapel everyday on my way to class and feeling this urge to go inside. I heard the Holy Spirit knocking on my door, but there was always this feeling that I didn’t belong, or that I would feel out of place. I didn’t know much about Catholicism, but from what I had gathered, it seemed complicated and fussy. Lots of rules that at the time I didn’t understand. I didn’t want to risk doing something wrong, so I just kept walking.

     I started my job at St.Catherine of Siena the fall after graduation. From the get-go, I loved working there and adored the kids. Every Wednesday we took our students to church, which happened to also be my introduction to Catholic Mass. To be perfectly honest, it was uncomfortable in the beginning. I didn’t always know what to do, nor could I recite all the prayers very well. However, even in the discomfort, there was a specific kind of peace that came over me everytime I stepped into the church. Turns out, a lot of goodness lies on the other side of discomfort. Over the next few years, I oscillated between Episcopalian and Catholic churches. Eventually the Episcopal services started to seem, for lack of a better word, hollow. Although they were lovely, something was missing. The Lord was calling me to something deeper.

     As someone who didn’t start exploring Catholicism until her twenties, I would be lying if I said I didn’t initially have reservations. I felt myself developing a deep love for Jesus, but like most love stories, it was complicated. Questions about the church had me confused, hesitant and overwhelmed. These stumbling blocks turned out to be blessings as it forced me to lean on God’s understanding and dive deeper into understanding true Catholic identity. I searched for (and found) answers through scripture, prayer and the wisdom of the saints.

     Last year, with the encouragement of some friends, I started going to the monthly women’s holy hours in the church. I figured at the very least it would be a quiet moment to turn off my phone and get away from the noise. These holy hours ended up being my first meaningful introduction to the Eucharist and what it really meant. Additionally, I got to see a church filled with reverent, faith-filled women who had all taken time out of their lives to give quiet praise to Jesus. It was incredibly moving. They inspired me to let go of the fear of not “doing it right” and just be in the presence of Jesus. I knelt down and whispered what I often say when all other words fail me: Come Holy Spirit. I’m convinced that those holy hours were the catalyst for my heart opening up to the Lord.

     I started craving time with Jesus in adoration, a place where I could quiet my mind and leave my problems at the door. Every time I knelt down and prayed in front of the Eucharist, it felt like I found a tiny piece of the puzzle, like I was uncovering parts of myself that had been lost over the years. The turning point came last year as I had the realization in a holy hour that Oh- it’s all actually real. Jesus is real. And He’s here right now. Holy moly. Once I stopped questioning everything, I was able to trust that what I felt and experienced was true. Of course, upon this realization, I also felt the emptiness of not being able to receive holy communion. I knew it was time to jump into the deep end. Before I could overthink my decision, I told Father Tim about my desire to become Catholic. I knew that after I told him, he wouldn’t let me back out of it. And so it began.

      On May 4th, I was received into the Catholic church at a Wednesday Mass in front of all my students. All I could think was Thank you Jesus. Thank you for this gift. I chose St. Martha as my saint, although I had a handful of saints that I held close to my heart that day. I ultimately chose Martha because of the simplicity of her message: serve others. No man is an island and I believe God puts us on Earth to help others carry their crosses. Love thy neighbor. I had three confirmation sponsors, all of whom have been examples to me of people who honor God by serving others and putting others before themselves. All three women possess almost freakish amounts of forgiveness and kindness. They give their love away freely to everyone and anyone because they know the more you give, the more you receive. Their grace reflects the strength and goodness of the women who grieved at the foot of the cross. I will forever be grateful to them for showing me the beauty of the Eucharist, the mercy of Jesus and the grace of Mary. The joy of that day was unparalleled. Receiving the Eucharist for the first time was the realization that Christ was there all along, waiting patiently for me to say yes to Him.  

     I was recently thinking about how much change the Holy Spirit has brought into my life this past year. Most of it happened silently without me even realizing it. Relationships lost, relationships gained, and my eyes opened to the woman God is calling me to be. As I continue learning about the Catholic faith, I continue learning about who I am and whose I am. Deepening my union with Christ has cracked my heart open and pieced it back together. For me, it always circles back to my favorite part of the Mass: Only say the word and my soul shall be healed. What a beautiful sentiment that Jesus is just always there, waiting for us to say yes to a love so powerful that you feel silly for ever even doubting.